I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
