I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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