my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
