this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
