Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
