dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
