Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
