alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
