; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
