are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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