she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
