so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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