All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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