Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
