Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
