fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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