i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
