Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
