I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
