3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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