I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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