im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
