Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
