My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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