$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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