Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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