I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
