I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
