Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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