It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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