dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
