Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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