i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
