The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
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