My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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