I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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