So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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