Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
