oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
