One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
