when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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