listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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