Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
