Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
