gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
