Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
