You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
