: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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