Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
