My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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