it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
