god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
